


Lead Me Home

by BatmanWhoLaughss



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s12e22 Red Light, Friendship, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Multi, One Shot Collection, Post-Prison, Post-Season/Series 12, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Sad Spencer Reid, Season/Series 13, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Spencer Reid Whump, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24993403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss
Summary: “Trauma is hell on earth. Trauma resolved is a gift from the gods.” ― Peter A. Levine“The diamond cannot be polished without friction, nor the person perfected without trials.” ~Chinese proverbOr: A collection of one shots about Spencer Reid’s re-adjustment after his release from prison. (Spoiler alert: Recovery is a journey, and it doesn’t always go smoothly)[tags will be updated as the chapters go on!!!]
Relationships: Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Comments: 35
Kudos: 139





	1. Freedom isn't Always Free

**Author's Note:**

> I've got SO MANY IDEA PROMPTS FOR THIS! I'm really hype. Season 12 RUINED ME.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer _just_ got back to the BAU, and the effects of prison are already starting to show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this was. literally based on a 30 second scene in Green Light that was SO UNBELIEVABLY SAD AND IT RUINED ME.
> 
> So, naturally, I needed to write the fic.

He’s wearing the same suit he went to court in. Spencer is sweaty and exhausted and he looks utterly, utterly _drained,_ but he’s here, standing in the briefing room. JJ could collapse from the relief. Matter of fact, she’s surprised she hasn’t broken down in tears already. 

She’s staring at him, has been since they left the prison, but he’s hyperfocused on the conversation happening around them. In truth, JJ’s barely paying attention; some part of her is focused on what’s being said, but she knows all of that already. Most of her attention is being spent scrutinizing her best friend, looking for any outward signs of injury or fear, anything that betrays the utter _horror_ he went through. 

He’s not giving up anything though. He’s focusing every part of that giant brain of his on saving his mom, and forgetting to take a break. She suspects the adrenaline is the only thing keeping him upright. JJ knows that feeling well, of being so consumed by worry and fear that nothing else matters, but part of her wishes that she could force him to slow down, to take a breath for just a second. But she knows Spence, and she knows he worries about everyone else so much more than himself, and right now she wishes he wouldn’t.

They’re moving out now, heading back down to the bullpen. JJ stays behind as Emily closes the door, knowing Spence isn’t going to like what she has to say. Emily’s telling him he has to sit this one out, that he needs to act like a victim instead of an agent, and surprisingly, he doesn’t argue. JJ expected him to, when they got back, expects him to insist that he needs to help his mom at all costs, but she freezes as he meekly accepts his predicament instead. 

Reid acquiesces with a small nod, muttering an affirmative, and something inside her clenches at how quiet he sounds. His entire body reads like he’s trying to make himself as small and unimposing as possible, like he’s still waiting for a guard to bark orders into his ear. She _hates it_ , _hates_ that they couldn’t save him from this, and utterly _despises_ the complete obedience that they _beat_ into him in that hellhole.

Emily walks away, back towards her office. Spencer walks up to the still-closed door and stops, standing tense and at attention. He’s staring at the door, completely still, and his hands are subtly drifting towards each other in front of him. JJ prods him softly. “You alright?” He jerks his head towards her, a spark of recognition in his eyes as he seems to register his surroundings all over again

Something in her _shatters_ then, because she knows he’s waiting for a guard to open the door and drag him bodily through it, like he’s forgotten they left the prison that morning. He’s still there, in his head, where none of his choices were his own and every aspect of his life was forced on him, and it was all she could do not to start sobbing right there in the briefing room. 

JJ struggled to keep her voice steady as she jerked her head towards the door. “It’s open.” She kept her voice impossibly soft, subtly trying to replace the memory of the prison guards’ harsh tones in his head. 

Spencer stands stock still for one moment more, staring at the door. “Of course.” His words are barely more than a whisper as he pulls the door open, and there’s an ever-so-slight tremor in his voice that pulled at her heart. He hasn’t spoken much since they left the prison, and it’s unnatural. Usually he was always talking, his excited ramblings taking over whatever space he was in, but now… now he’s only speaking when spoken to, because in prison, talking back to a guard would get you a beating you would never forget. 

The physical ache in JJ’s chest threatens to overwhelm her. 

They go downstairs, and she takes a brief detour to the ladies’ room as Spence sits and waits. She splashes some water on her face quickly, and she’s trying desperately to swallow the lump in her throat as she makes her way back to him. The others are with Garcia, running that threat assessment Emily asked for, which leaves the two of them alone in the empty space. 

Spencer is sitting exactly where she left him, posture ramrod straight and hands folded neatly in his lap. He hasn’t moved a muscle since she left, and he’s staring unfocused at some spot in front of him. He’s still tense, and trembling slightly, and suddenly she knows that, in the few minutes they have before the action starts, she needs to do _something_ to take that haunted look of despair off his face.

“Spence?” She moves herself right into his eye line as he blinks rapidly, staring up at her and relaxing slightly. “You okay? You want anything, before we head out?”

He shakes his head. “I’m fine.” There’s that whisper-soft voice again, and JJ hates hearing it. 

“Are you sure? We’ve got a few minutes before we have to leave.” She brushes a hand against his arm, but the way he flinches slightly doesn’t escape her notice. “What do you want?”

He drops his head down, his lower lip trembling in a way that JJ does _not_ like. Unexpectedly, he lets out a nervous little laugh as he looks up at her a moment later. “I’m- I’m still waiting for someone to tell me what to do.” He says it like he’s ashamed, the vulnerability plain as day in his voice, and immediately the lump in her throat that she’d pushed down comes rushing back to the surface. 

She crouches down in front of him, grabbing his hand and looking him square in the eye. “ _Hey._ You’re home, Spence. No constant marching orders anymore.” Now there’s a tremor in _her_ voice, one that stubbornly refuses to leave. “What do you _want_ to do? Let me get you something before all the mayhem starts again.”

Spencer swallows. “I want to get my mom back,” he admits softly. But she knows that already and he knows that isn’t what she meant. She squeezes his hand, prodding him to continue. 

“And?”

“Honestly?” He clears his throat. “I _really_ want one of those chocolate bars from the break room vending machine. I- it’s weird what you miss.” He tucks his chin inwards again, and she smiles at him. _Baby steps._

“You got it.” 

JJ’s back a moment later with the snacks. She gets him three, for good measure, and the way his face perks up into a slight smile as she hands them to him brings a little warmth back to her. Spence is looking at the candy bars, and at her, like they’re the best thing he’s seen in weeks, and her pulse skips again when she remembers how close they came to losing him forever. 

Something must show on her face, because now he’s peering at her with a confused expression. He opens his mouth to say something, but then she’s hugging him again before he can. Her best friend just got out of prison and she hasn’t hugged him since she saw him in that dull gray room, and somehow that’s inexcusable. He’s hugging her back, trembling as he grips the back of her jacket tightly. His face is buried in her shoulder and her hands are rubbing his back in soothing circles. 

“I’m really glad you’re back, boy wonder.” Her voice breaks on the last word as tears blur her vision. 

“Me too.” 

Then the cavalry shows up, and they’re running from one whirlwind to the next. The exhaustion is seeping into her bones as they get to his apartment, but she doesn’t care. Spencer Reid is back, riding shotgun in a black FBI van, and even though there are three psychopaths chasing all of them, it feels like things are starting to get back to the way they’re supposed to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is 150% going to be Morgan and Reid having breakfast after the finale!!!! I'm really excited to write all these one shots- I've got so many ideas. Hopefully I'll have an update for you all soon! Thanks for reading :)


	2. Old Friends Not Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after Reid and his mom come home, Derek Morgan brings them breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AKA: THE MORGAN AND REID REUNION THAT THE S12 FINALE SO CRUELLY DEPRIVED US OF.

The knock on the door came earlier than expected, and Spencer tried to ignore the ever-increasing pounding of his heart. 

Morgan said he would be by a little after nine. So, naturally, that meant Reid had been awake since 7am, adrenaline coursing through his veins. Part of it was a relic from prison; the early morning wake up calls every day made it difficult for him to sleep in this morning. But the other part was pure nerves－ the thought of seeing Derek again was keeping him paralyzed with fear. 

When Emily asked him if he wanted her to call Morgan, back when he was first sent to prison, Spencer froze, his face white as a sheet. The embarrassment and fear formed a bitter cocktail in him, and he’d shaken his head no. Morgan had his son to think about- he couldn’t be seen visiting a disgraced federal agent in prison. That’s what he told himself, anyway, as he tried to ignore the deeper thought, the one that really stung. _What if he thinks I’m guilty? What if he hates me?_

He hadn’t been able to face that possibility. 

Reid took a deep breath, running a shaky hand through his hair before moving to open the door. It still felt surreal to him, to be free from that hellhole and wearing regular clothes again after so long. It hadn’t really sunk in yet, that he never had to go back there and his name was clear. He half expected to wake up suddenly, back in his cell with a guard standing over him. 

He glanced over at the couch, watching his mom with a small smile on his face. She was reading, smiling softly to herself by the window. He sighed again. _We got her back. It’s over._

There was another knock at the door, and Spencer gulped once before pulling it open.

The first thing he noticed was Morgan’s beard- it had gotten longer, and the look suited him. He’d lost weight, just a bit, and for a moment Reid just stared at him, drinking in the sight of one of his best friends in the world. Morgan’s smile was as wide as he’d ever seen it, and he couldn’t help but smile back, even as his heart was still pounding nervously. 

“How you doin, Pretty Boy?” 

That broke the spell, and Spencer laughed before throwing his arms around Derek in a bone-crushing hug. It had been _months_ since he’d seen him, but Morgan still gave the best hugs, the ones that never failed to make him feel safe. They stood right there in the doorway for ages, Morgan clapping him on the back and Spencer’s face pressed into the crook of his neck. Reid was laughing, the relief turning his legs to a puddle of mush as they embraced. Morgan’s hand gripped the back of his head, ruffling his already messy hair. 

Eventually they broke apart, and Morgan held up the bag he’d brought with him. “Breakfast? I brought your favorite.” Because _of course_ Morgan remembered his favorite breakfast place, even now, and Reid almost hugged him again. 

They made their way into Spencer’s apartment, dropping the food on the dining room table before making their way back into the living room. Diana was still reading; she always did get lost in books, even when he was a child. “Mom? Mom, you remember Derek?” 

“Mrs. Reid.” Morgan was respectful as always, and Spencer was glad to see the spark of recognition in his mother’s eyes when she saw him. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure whether his mom would remember Derek, and he worried that after the ordeal she had, she would start throwing punches. But Diana just smiled warmly and nodded, and he breathed a sigh of relief. Derek tentatively put a hand on her shoulder. “I heard about what happened to you. Can’t have been easy- are you doing okay?”

“Oh I’m fine,” she said dismissively. “I’ve been through worse. You should see the things I used to get up to back in the ‘70s.” Spencer couldn’t help but laugh. His mom always had a knack for breaking the tension, and he loved her for it, even though he knew the past few days had rattled her more than she wanted to admit. He could see Morgan laughing too.

“Alright. Well, I brought us some breakfast, if you’re hungry?” 

“Oh, no, you two eat. I’m fine for now.” She waved them away as she glanced back down at her book. _She’s having a good day._ Spencer was worried that being kidnapped would make her illness worse, but it seemed to be having the opposite effect. There were some things he truly would never understand. 

They made their way back into the dining room, his nerves coming back in full force as he felt Morgan watching him. He knew Morgan wanted to talk about Mexico, about prison and about everything that happened, but he didn’t know if he was ready for it. It was all still raw, still fresh, and part of him was still _terrified_ that Morgan would want nothing to do with him after he heard the whole story. 

Derek didn’t push right away though, and Reid was grateful for it. Instead they ate silently for a few minutes, and Spencer couldn’t help the _joy_ that spread through him. For a while he worried that he would never eat anything other than prison food again.

After a few minutes, Morgan broke the silence, his voice soft. “Your mom really okay?” 

“I- I think so. She’s the strongest person I know. She’ll be fine” He smiled softly. His mom really was so unbelievably strong, and he was still surprised by her every day. Morgan nodded. 

“And how bout you, kid?” _Aw, hell. Here we go._

“What about me?” He tried to ignore the way his stomach clenched after Morgan gave him that _come on, kid_ look. He hadn’t seen that look in ages, and it wasn’t fair that he could feel this happy and this terrified at the same time. 

“Pretty boy, why didn’t you _call me_?” 

Spencer sucked in a breath as he met Morgan’s eyes. There was so much loving concern in his expression that Reid thought he might cry. He’d been prepared for anything- for Morgan to yell at him, for him to ask what the hell he was thinking, and for him to walk out of his life and never look back. But the hopeful part of his brain, the one that had been steadily rotting away for years, hadn’t dared to think that Morgan would be on his side, not even once. 

“I…” There was a lump forming in his throat. “I was _scared._ ” Morgan’s face fell, but Spencer started talking again before he could say anything. “I didn’t think you’d come. With the baby, and-” _And I didn’t want you to think I was guilty._

“ _Reid._ Come on. You know I would have come running.” Derek’s expression was shocked, as if he couldn’t fathom what Spencer was thinking. “You went to _prison,_ and you thought I wouldn’t come?” 

Reid’s eyes were shining, and vaguely, he realized he was trembling. “I- I didn’t do it.” It wasn’t what he meant to say; the statistics on friends distancing themselves from those in prison were on the tip of his tongue. But the wound was still fresh, and he found himself blurting it out before he could stop himself. His voice was barely more than a whisper, and he dropped his gaze to the table.

Morgan put a hand on his arm. “I know that, kid. Emily filled me in.” 

“You know that _now,_ but there was so much evidence against me. I- I looked so guilty, and I didn’t think you would _believe me._ ” His voice got even softer, if that were possible. “I’m still surprised the others believed me.” 

He’d spent a long time in his cell, wondering if the team really did think he killed that woman. Wondering if JJ wouldn’t let him near her kids again, if Emily and Rossi would give up on him, or if Garcia would stop giving him daily updates on how Sergio was doing. The thoughts kept him awake more nights than he liked to admit, and the idea of Morgan’s son sharing a name with a criminal nearly broke his heart. 

“ _Hey._ Pretty boy, listen to me. Of _course_ I would have believed you. Just ‘cause I’ve been out of the loop this past year doesn’t mean I’d give up on my little brother when he needed me.” A stray tear leaked out from Spencer’s eye as he smiled, laughing nervously and blushing. “You should have called me, kid.” 

Spencer sighed. “I know. I know, I’m sorry.” His voice was shaking. 

“Don’t be sorry- I get it. But you know we’ve gotta talk about what happened to you in there, right?” Morgan was studying him with his old profiler expression again, and Spencer froze. His breathing started coming faster, his chest tightening as the memories of the beatings flashed behind his eyes. 

“Morgan- I can’t. Not yet, I-”

“Hey, hey. Yes you can.” Shaw’s face flashed in Reid’s mind, and he squeezed his eyes shut. “I know you put up these walls and block everyone out, but you can’t do that now.” It was the same thing Morgan said after Gideon died, and he knew he was right, but his stomach churned at the thought of reliving everything. His hands were curling into fists on the table. He tried to focus on Derek’s voice, instead of the raw _panic_ that was threatening to overwhelm him. “Only way to get through it is to face it, you know that.”

“I- Don’t you have to go?” It was a cop-out, but Spencer hoped that Morgan’s flight was early enough that he wouldn’t be able to stay. From the expression on Derek’s face, though, he could see right through Reid’s crap.

“I’m not going anywhere, kid. You’ve gotta get this out of your system.”

Spencer gritted his teeth and ran a shaky hand through his hair. Logically, he knew Morgan was right, but the prospect of re-hashing every grisly detail of his prison time was not an appealing one. But at the same time, part of him wanted to tell someone other than a Bureau-mandated psychologist. 

After a minute, Spencer sighed. “I know,” he whispered. His voice was small, and Morgan forced him to look at him. His eyes were soft and encouraging, and Reid felt his resolve crumbling－ Morgan had always been good at convincing him to open up. He’d always found it a little annoying. 

“Talk to me, Pretty Boy. It’s just you and me.” 

Reid glanced back at the living room. His mom was still exactly where they left her- on his couch with her head tucked into a book. He sighed, running a shaky hand through his hair as he took a deep breath. 

“They denied me protective custody. I was a federal agent stuck in genpop, and I almost didn’t make it out alive.” His heart was pounding, but he knew if he didn’t get it all out now, he would keep it locked inside forever until it ate him from the inside out. “The other inmates, they-” His voice broke, and he swallowed before trying again. “They beat me, they killed my friend, they wanted me to-” A stray tear leaked out and he wiped at it with a groan. 

“They wanted you to do something for them?” Morgan’s expression was horrified and sympathetic at the same time. 

Spencer nodded. “Not- not like _that_ , or anything. They wanted me to move drugs for them, but I couldn’t do it.” 

“But you had to do something.” 

“I- I _poisoned them.”_ He was still disgusted with himself, and he poured all the self-loathing into his voice. “I hurt people, and now I…”

“ _Kid._ It’s okay. You did what you had to do.” Morgan’s brows were furrowed. “But you’re still holding back on me. Just give it to me straight. Tell me every gory detail.” Derek reached out to grab Reid’s hand in both of his. “You know _nothing_ you say to me will make me think anything less of you, right?” 

Spencer smiled, jerking his head in a small nod. More tears were starting to fall now, and he stopped trying to fight them. He took a moment before speaking again, but Morgan said exactly what he needed to hear. He couldn’t put into words just how _grateful_ he was that Derek was here, that he was giving him the space he needed to voice all his ugly, dirty secrets. 

Then the dam broke, and Spencer started talking. He didn’t stop until every gruesome detail of his life in prison was out in the open. He talked about the nights he spent afraid to go to sleep, and the nights spent curled up on the floor as his body ached from the beatings. He talked about the day Delgado died, and how it felt to poison the other inmates. He showed Morgan the bandages on his knee and arm from stabbing himself, and he talked about his time in solitary. He talked about how, when JJ came and got him out, he was convinced he was being dragged into a room to be murdered, and he thought he would never see his mom or the team again.

By the time he was done, his voice was hoarse, and the tears were steadily streaming down his face. Morgan hadn’t let go of his hand the entire time, and he had barely said a word. Spencer looked up, expecting to see revulsion on Derek’s face. He was startled to see that Morgan had shed a few tears of his own, and there was only sorrow and deep-seated anger written in his expression. 

It was a moment before either of them spoke. Morgan swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath before tightening his grip on Reid’s hand. “Kid… I am _so_ sorry.” Spencer didn’t know what he expected Morgan to say, but his heart clenched at the sound of his voice. There was so much pain there, for _him,_ and he still felt like he didn’t deserve it. “But you’re home now, you hear me? You never have to go back there.” 

Spencer let out a watery laugh, but there was no humor in it. “I know that. But I- I feel _different_ now. I feel like I’m… not _me_ anymore.” Logically, he knew that this experience would change him, but he really didn’t like the new skills and habits he’d acquired from his time in prison.

“You’re still you, Reid. You’re the strongest person I’ve _ever_ met, you hear me? They didn’t break you in there.” 

“I- I _hurt people._ And I _liked it_. And then, when I was in the interrogation room with Cat… I nearly _killed_ her, I saw red and I couldn’t stop. And I’m _terrified_ , Morgan- I’m scared I turned into something awful and I can’t change back.” His breath was coming faster again, and the lump in his throat was back. 

“Hey, look at me.” Morgan’s face was set in a steely expression- the one he always used when he was trying to break through Reid’s thick skull. Spencer forgot how much he’d missed it. “You survived something that a lot of people wouldn’t have. And sure, it affected you, in ways you won’t fully realize for a while, but kid, you’re still _you._ Trust me, I’ve been there. You feel like this defines who you are, but I promise you it doesn’t.” 

Spencer was staring at him with wide eyes, because he realized that Morgan truly _did_ understand, on a visceral level, what he was going through. Derek also had an intimate knowledge of how deeply trauma can affect a person. But even though it was a very _different_ experience that Spencer will never be able to understand, he was immensely grateful to have someone who could relate. 

“How do I live with myself, Morgan?” The question had been haunting him since he was sitting on the floor next to JJ outside of Cat’s interrogation room.

Derek sighed, getting up and stepping around the table. He braced both hands on Spencer’s shoulders and looked him square in the eye before speaking again. “You forgive yourself. What you did? How you felt? Even if you’re ashamed of it, it doesn’t erase all the good you’ve done, Pretty Boy. You did what you had to do to stay alive, and you were forced into the most stressful situation you possibly could have been. _Anyone_ would have done the same, myself included.” 

Then Morgan was pulling him into another hug, this one bone-crushing. Spencer buried his head into his shoulder, and he was squeezing Derek so tightly he was surprised the other man could breathe. He was trembling again, shaking almost violently as he let out the breath he’d been holding. 

“How?” Spencer whispered the word into Morgan’s neck, and he wondered if Derek had even heard him. 

“It’s gonna take time, kid. You’ve gotta cut yourself some slack.” He nodded softly. He knew Derek was right, but it didn’t make him hate the answer any less. His brain was repeating PTSD statistics on a loop, and he wished more than anything that his eidetic memory would leave him alone. 

For a long time, they sat there in the dining room, their arms wrapped around each other and Morgan stroking Spencer’s hair. Reid tried to take deep breaths, and slowly but surely he felt his heart rate begin to slow. He was still shaking slightly, the pain of having to relive it all fresh and raw. But part of him did feel lighter, now that it was all in the open.

He swallowed, lifting his head slightly. “I know… I know its not fair to ask this, but- do you think you could stay a couple days?” He hated to ask, because he knew Derek’s son was waiting for him to come home, but he’d missed Morgan something _awful,_ and he thought it might help to have him close by. He was a little embarrassed at how much his desperation must have shown in his face.

Morgan’s expression changed, sadness and compassion written there in equal parts. “Pretty Boy, I can stay as long as you need me, okay?” 

Spencer let out a laugh, a real one, and hugged his best friend impossibly tighter. A small part of him still didn’t believe this was all really happening, but he tried not to think about it too much. He tried to focus on the here and now, on the fact that his mom was okay, and that Morgan and JJ and all the others still loved him and supported him and thought he was worth saving. 

From this moment on, he had to make sure he didn’t prove them wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exploring Reid's recovery from prison is proving to be really fun. I already have a whole bunch of concepts for this collection, and I'm excited to share them all with you. Thanks to all of you who've been reading this so far- y'all are great <3

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/Feedback is very much appreciated as always. You can also find me on Tumblr as batmanwholaughss


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